A Day in the Life of amps
I’m working at home today. I do so once a week which is a reasonable adjustment to help me get away from the stress of a commute and being around lots of people. Wherever you are in London there seems to be lots of people which I find a bit oppressive and makes me anxious. But then once a week is the most that works for me because isolation is also bad for my depression. It’s a tricky balance.
The first couple of hours of work are dominated by HR stuff. I’m in the sickness review process due to a lot of absence caused by my depression and anxiety. The process is having a really negative effect on my mental health as well so it’s very difficult to manage. Plus there’s the constant worry that the process will lead to my dismissal and the frustration that this is completely legal even though I’m protected at work in other ways by the Equality Act and there is no issue with my performance or quality of work. Moreover I’m spending my work time dealing with that, and the feelings that arise because of it, rather than getting on with my actual job which I’d obviously prefer.
Work then holds a strange position in relation to my mental health. When I can get on with normal work activities it’s really beneficial to my self esteem, motivation and activity levels which makes me feel better. But the structure of work and the dealings with my employer make me feel like there’s no point in trying; that I’m doomed. I switch between these regularly throughout the day. It’s tiring.
I go to the library at lunch and get a gelato on the way home, both of which perk me up a bit. I find it good to leave the house every day, feels like an achievement and it’s nice to get fresh air and see the sea which is at the end of my road. Today is windy so the sea’s lovely and noisy with frothy waves. I watch the sea as I approach my flat and for a moment I feel very calm and content. All my serenity disappears instantly once I look away.
In the afternoon I feel overwhelmingly tired. I’ve tried to do and deal with too much today and have been working on tasks that require negotiation and planning with other people when I should have been more vigilant with things that would impact me. My brain hurts and all I can think about is how useless I am, how rubbish I am at work, and how stupid my employers are to be happy with my performance. I struggle sending some emails and updating some resources until 5.30 when I can go crash out on the sofa. Thank goodness work’s over with for a while and I can spend the evening eating good food and relaxing with my partner.