A Day in the Life of attero

Published on the day .

Found in Things we doNegative

Alone and hopeless would probably be the best words to describe Wednesday.  In honesty, that is a lot of my days nowadays.   Things don’t seem to get better.  People from my past crop up and those that suffer from mental illness, well like me they are usually stuck.  Eating disorders seem to be hopeless.  I lose hope that anything can get better.  Today I wandered, I went to a town I go to when I want to disappear.  I took my bank card which I was supposed to hand into staff so I couldn’t spend it on food.  I disappeared and I wandered.  To burn calories and to lessen the likelihood of binging and purging.  I spend much of my days with my head down the toilet and today I needed less of that and more starving.  So I walked and walked.  Zombie-like in my own world.  Punctuated by pain which I have now learnt is due to my eating  disorder and it’s caused by my muscles having atrophied due to malnutrition.  Pain, piercing and dull all at the same time.   But knowing that doesn’t seem to make me change things, nothing does.  I fear this is it, that I will die from it.  I don’t remember anything else.  I hate it but can’t live without it.  I fear this is it.